I’m striving to JUST BE REAL on here. Full disclosure (with respect for others privacy).
NOTE: I read through this post again and again realizing what a rambling block of nonsense it seems. Hopefully as time goes on and I get used to this blog thing, I’ll be able to be more open in order for things to make more sense for possible readers. This is primarily for my mental health and spiritual growth, so I won’t get consumed with how I tend to ramble; just as I am now. -_-
If I was a true painter (I pretend to be sometimes), I’d paint a pretty picture of my life for all to see – that’s how I want to be seen. But reading about everyone’s achievements and joy can sometimes be an anxiety trigger for me, though it’s not about envy. I realize everyone has their brokenness and few share it on FB (some share it a bit too much, but there may be a reason for that – another story/time). I know this much for certain: Comparison is a dangerous saboteur.
I just finished a response to a friend who’s dealing with heartbreak and needed a shoulder. I’ve felt disconnected lately and have probably seemed to have little interest in anything or anyone, but that’s not the case. I believe because of consuming physical pain and general anxiety intruding my world, which my primary care provider says I try to minimize, I’ve had to stay in my own bubble. I doubt the worth of my advice and comfort I offer to others, when I can’t seem to fix myself.
I was taught that worry is a sign of my lack of trust in God. I can’t bring myself to directly link those two things in that way. Anxiety is an illness; a real one, just like any physical affliction another person may have. Someone opened up to me recently about how sickened she is by the stigma of mental illness. You hear people speak of others using comments like “she’s bipolar”; yet you would never talk of a physical illness in the same manner “she’s cancer”. Good point, friend.
Lately, it’s been close to impossible to concentrate on anything with my level of anxiety. From one minute to the next, I’m not sure what I’m doing. Can we just slow down here? Are we really that busy, or does the busy give us a sense of worth? Are we worried we might miss something? So what if we do?
I strive to use logic in my decision making, rather than my “heart”; but what do I do when the logic doesn’t seem … logical? I need to return to my Creator. I need to CONTINUALLY hand over the control to God. How does this get lost on me nearly daily?
There’s that old saying ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results’ thing – which i don’t know whether or not is clinically true BUT I’ve been sabotaging my life by not pulling my head out of my butt and changing. really changing. REALLY changing.
I have been unable to talk about much at all lately. I don’t mean to abandon my friends or responsibilities, though it seems the more important the event is, the greater the anxiety. More pressure.
There are many triggers in my life right now. I’m concerned about the safety of a loved one in their destructive relationship. I’m hurting for a saint of a man whose wife makes life a living hell, though he’d never say so. I’m worried about the priorities of some of the young people in my life, though I realize they’re still growing. I’ve been having early morning nightmares that I’m a kid, and I’m in trouble. Big trouble. Frankly, I need help in resolving (I’d prefer forgetting) problems from childhood school days and home life. It’s time to finally learn what’s eating me in order to find out why I eat. The weight thing is a highly sensitive area and ugly, so I won’t write much on that issue at this time.
So yeah, I’m broken. We’re all broken. All the best are broken, or so I’ve been told. I’m a bad friend right now. I can’t hold up others when I can’t hold up myself. This isn’t a plea for help or sympathy, trust me on that. I am getting the help I need from professionals. But I come back to that word “broken”.
So here I am: panic. anger. pain. in need of mercy. and more unspeakables. Oh, and broken. Don’t forget broken. That’s exactly how God likes us to be…
Psalm 51:16-17 (NLT) You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
Song of the heart at the moment… “Home” ~ Nichole Nordeman
Bright are the stars that shine in somebody else’s sky
Green is the grass that grows some place different
more possibilities more than you offered me
More than I care to see from a distance
I was certain that the Truth would be in a place that kept eluding me
but every stone turned and unturned again would only serve to prove
that I never had to move to find You
And you will always be the only Love I’ll ever know, home
You you have made for me the only place i’ll ever go, home
God for the shameless pride
The times when I rolled my eyes
To laugh at simplicity
show me mercy
Knowing what I now now
Its hard to imagine how
I could feel anything but unworthy
And the mystery of your love for me
Is not as hidden as it seemed to be
Should have known then when you said to me
“seek and you will find”
It was right there all the time
I believe in the quest and the journey
I believe that the answers come in time
And where we begin is where we arrive